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Celebrating Mothers
MOM POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings, weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on-call. Some overnight travel required, including
trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses are
not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties are also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES (for the rest of your life):
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs
$5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
0 to 60 mph in three seconds flat - in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production
of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment
the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout
the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years
without complaining, constantly retraining yourself and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately
surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment
is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die,
you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you
could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Send this to all the Moms you know, in appreciation for everything they
do daily, and let them know they are appreciated.
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